Toys of the Golden 90’s



By King Ralph 

Have you ever looked back at some of the toys you owned as a child and just said WTF was that about? Check out my list below and share your experiences in the comments. 

"Catch me, I dare you."

“Catch me, I dare you.”

Nerf Vortex Howler

There was nothing more empowering as a kid than bombing one of these S.O.B.’s like Johnny Elway. The skinny kid with the weakest, toothpick arm could bomb this thing across any large grassy knoll. The problem was catching the piece of shit. The kid on the receiving end of that 100 yard toss would stick out his arms and “FUCK” instant pain. This “ball” also came equipped with a little plastic piece that whistled as it glided through the air. If you didn’t catch it just right, which was never, it hurt like a bitch. Did the Nerf team not think about this huge plastic whistle sticking out of the ball might be an issue? I speak for kids across America. You guys are dicks.

Punch me in the Balzac.

Punch me in the Balzac.


What…The… Hell… Lets see here. Take a balloon. Put it in the fabric enclosure.. Blow up balloon.. Its a ball, in fabric.YES! I’m not gonna lie, my brother and I spent many a day bombing this thing at each other’s word holes. Seriously though, could this thing have been any simpler? The creator probably made the same amount of money as the guy who invented the pet rock. Oh, and it sounds a lot like “ball sack”. Tee hee…

N.A.M.B.L.A. tested and approved.

N.A.M.B.L.A. tested and approved.

Glittery Ghost Dick?

What the fuck were these things? I’m not sure if I knew anyone that actually possessed this creepy shit. What I do know is we all picked it up at the toy store and stroked it. It was a large phallic feeling thing filled with clear goo and ummm…glitter? It could only be described as putting a condom on a gay ghost. How was this allowed on the shelves?

They see me not rolling, they not hatin'

They see me not rolling, they not hatin’

Roller Skates for Idiots

I remember wearing these plastic strap-ons like it was just yesterday.. They didn’t roll, they didn’t do shit. It was like sliding your feet on gravel. Actually, sliding on gravel was more fun. I realize these were made for little kids to trick them into thinking they were roller skating but I read right past the bullshit. I’ll go eat dirt instead. This sucks.

Off with his head!

Off with his head!

Hatchet Basketball Hoop

Yes, its a basketball stand. If you didn’t have the privilege of a garage to attach a real backboard on, you played with one of these. If you were anything like my family, you never filled the base up enough with water or sand. The right wind, foul into the base, or sad white guy dunk the hoop came tumbling down like a falling tree. If you were unfortunate enough to be engaged in the game you were unaware of it crashing down and blasting you in the fucking skull.

Dad, watch me prance!

Dad, watch me prance!

WTF Space Shoes?

I never owned these, praise Jesus, but I am sure there was thousands of kids that did. I remember for a short period of time thinking, “holy balls I want those space shoes! “ It didn’t take more than 30 seconds to realize how Goddamn ridiculous you looked when running with those bully magnets on. This was some form of child abuse or from a parent who really didn’t love their child. The things just screamed, “hey, please beat the shit out of my kid.”

Can you say "Slayer" children?

Can you say “Slayer” children?

Teddy Ruxpin

I wasn’t fortunate enough to own one of these. These were for spoiled rich kids that you hated but befriended so you could play with their toys. All I remember about these things was wanting to steal them from my friends and burn the fucker on their porch… Yes Teddy, lets go on a fucking adventure.. Burn, bitch, burn…It was also cool to pop in a Slayer cassette and listen to Mr. Ruxpin sing “Mandatory Suicide.”

Pogo No Go

Pogo No Go

Pogo Ball

I remember the first time I awkwardly mounted this “thing”. It didn’t bounce OR make you jump higher. You just looked stupid. I remember doing “sick tricks” by jumping off my parents deck like they did in the commercials. I pulled off some badass maneuvers with all my.. ummm, friends.

Hope you brought extra batteries kid.

Hope you brought extra batteries kid.


There was nothing cooler as a kid than having a Discman to carry around with you. The only problem was carrying it around in a black fanny pack (thanks mom). It was to “protect” the Discman from being dropped and also for my super rad friends to call me a “fag”.

The Discman sucked battery power like your mom at a 2 Live Crew concert. The so-called “anti skip protection” feature was a joke. You watched these 3 bars drain your battery and do nothing to prevent your shitting No Doubt disc from skipping. Yeah, I listened to No Doubt. I’d pay money to have Gwen Stefani punch me in the beanbag.

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